Where do I begin?
I know it's been a while since I last wrote, I have been thrown off my rocker and I hate to admit it but I just didn't have the ability to get back up. The last time I wrote, spiritually I was in a GREAT place and then.....
It was a Sunday morning and I was driving the bus, at my layover at Irondequoit plaza. Just sitting there and my phone rings. I answer to a crying voice, instantly my heart dropped because this call was from an unlikely person (we don't talk often if at all), so I instantly thought something from "Our Circle" had happened. BUT much to my surprise it wasn't from "our circle", instead it was about someone who I had just spoke to the day before. Someone who had been sick for a few years but I thought GOD would leave here because it wasn't their time. Well I guess I was wrong! Reggie had passed.......
Reggie was my cousin who was only 1 month older than me, my first favorite "boy" cousin. The one who I remember as a junk talking, bolegged little chunky monkey. He had moved from here to Florida with my aunt, uncle and his older brother when we were kids. So I didn't see much of him after we had turned 7 yrs old or so. But when they came to visit which was often, I'd see him. Holidays, picnics, small family reunions, weddings, funerals.... I saw him. About 3 years prior word had traveled that he had cancer. How was that suppose to even make sense? He's too young to have cancer, they must be wrong! Nope..... He battled lymphoma , and boy did he battle. For 3yrs he fought hard, still staying true to himself. I admired his strength so much because there were days I'd text or he'd text and you couldn't tell he was in pain. There would be fb posts with smiling pictures but he was in pain and you'd have no clue. Life went on. The cancer didn't stop him..... But Feb 3, 2013 was the day cancer won..... And that was the day my life changed!
Auntie Lisa is what I called her, but she was really my Godmom. She was the happiest person I think I've ever met. She always kept you laughing. She had a hard life but you couldn't tell because she never showed it (at least not to me). She was a paraplegic , bound to the wheel chair BUT that didn't stop her. She use to walk, but an accident from back in the 80's left her handicapped. I don't remember it, I was just a baby when it happened. Anyways, she was the most independent person, she had a car that was hand controlled, she had her own place and she worked. In her spare time she volunteered at different organizations like Mary Cariola and neighborhood churches. She was always on the move and if her determination didn't inspire you I don't know what would. My Godmom was a fiesty lil thang too, she wasn't shy about speaking her mind. I laugh to myself at how crazy she use to be, I loved her so, and she loved me. Always bringing up the fact that she was in the delivery room when I was born and how she was the first person to hold me even before my momma could. BUT She grew ill 2 years ago, but no one knew how ill she actually was. Being in the wheelchair started to take a toll on her body, and things began to deteriorate. On Jun 28, 2013 she went home to GOD..... And that was the day I felt like my the rest of my life would be pain!
I titled this piece "Death Ain't Natural" because I feel like it isn't. I know that EVERYBODY leaves this earth by means of death. But does that mean its ok? I'm afraid to die and maybe that's what I'm really battling here.... Seeing death isn't natural, and living through it dang sure isn't natural. I have pictures(from their funerals) of both Reggie and My Godmom in my phone and I scroll through to look at them often. I don't want to remember them that way but its so hard to let go. I almost wanted to pull my Godmom out of her casket when I saw her laying there. I questioned God when he took Reggie. I had "Lost" my complete natural mind! I looked at both of their stiff bodies and thought they were breathing. The devil was playing with my head......2 people who had so much more to live for. So much life ahead gone . I wonder can they see us, do they hear me when I'm talking to them?If they haven't crossed over yet aren't they missing all what's going on now? I feel so lost, so confused and so darn angry. I still haven't gained my footing yet and I dont know when I will, I want my cousin and Godmom back because I know living is hard but......"Death Aint Natural".....
